Horrible. If one is honest, how are these precepts and conditions that different from the Taliban, or any other fundamentalist cult. And that’s what they are, cults. These behaviors can also been seen in the ultra orthodox Jewish community. It’s not about faith…it’s about control.
I told someone else here that I think Abrahamic religions breed this kind of control. All of them teach loving precepts and can be transformative when practiced that way. But they also lend themselves to this kind of twisted control structure.
I'm so so glad you escaped. I just read Tia Leving's book " A Well Trained Wife" and she describes her experience which sounds almost identical to yours. Even though I experienced high control religion in an indirect way the stories of religious trauma and abuse trigger me so much. Lately I've been sounding the alarm about Project2025 on social media and warning that our country could end up like Iran. I get told I am crazy and brainwashed by the the media. I appreciate you sharing what you lived through and I understand how difficult it must be.
I think the world would be a better place without all Abrahamic religions, because they seem to breed extreme versions that center on controlling people, especially women and children, and the greater community of those faiths don't do enough to push back against that extremism and radicalization.
Right? If one reads that list without the lens of domination and control, it isn't a bad list. I disagree with some points, but overall I'm not sure any portion of our society is teaching men how to be functional and fulfilled. I don't even know how it happens. My 2nd husband, the man I'm married to now, didn't grow up with good male role models either. His father was a selfish asshole. I don't know how he became the confident, giving man he is where so many others would mimic the examples that were set for them.
Andra, I can only imagine what you’ve gone through, especially since I come from a completely different culture and environment. I’m so glad you found your path to safety and independence. The importance of having a good therapist can’t be overstated! I absolutely appreciate your willingness and ability to open up about your past.
And I should've been in therapy decades ago. I went to a Christian counselor during the breakup of this marriage, but I needed major interventions. Of course, nobody recommended them. I didn't undergo formal therapy again until late 2022/early2023, after decades of mistakes I could've avoided. I mean, I learned from most of those mistakes, but it sometimes took me a while. People don't often give us hall passes when we take almost 6 decades to grow up.
Thank you for sharing, Andra.You have such courage and strength. As a former DV Victim Advocate, I can tell you there were many abusive,”godly” men in my community.
As Trump tries to run away from his alliance with P2025/Heritage, this excellent investigative reporting directly ties Florida GOP and indirectly other GOP-controlled state legislatures. “From bathrooms to banking, records show the architects of Project 2025 worked closely with Ron DeSantis and Florida Republican leaders to turn some far-right ideas into new state laws.”
When we compiled the big spreadsheet on P2025 contributors, DeSantis was mentioned multiple times. He made most of those connections while he was in Congress. So I'm not surprised he took those tools back to Florida, where he (and I suspect Republicans) wanted an easy place to "try them on."
From your own experience working with victims, you know how many of them blame themselves for the abuse. This kind of religious indoctrination supercharges self-blame, and I think it lingers for generations and pollutes relationships, even after ancestors we didn't even know left those religions behind but somehow carried those behaviors onward.
As you know, leaving is not easy and the most dangerous time.And as I recall,the research showed it was usually seven times before DV victims would stay away for good.
Andra, you saved your life…and most likely that of your former spouse.
What strength and courage you showed leaving you first marriage. You were so young. The deep trauma you went through with really no one to turn to for help. And you continue having the strength and courageousness by sharing this with us. So many do not understand the shame that is thrust on women in Christian Nationalism. And it always seems to be the woman’s fault. It is not a stretch to see hoe don-old and Project 2025 promoters are getting more emboldened.
'Jumped the fence' is what stood out to me. Republicans aren't all Christian Nationalists, not by a long shot, but they've all embraced or at least accepted toxic forms of masculinity as part of their world view. Because if they hadn't, they wouldn't be able to stay Republicans (and many have left). It's a chicken and egg story between Christian Nationalists and conservatives, because these are attitudes that have persisted for millennia. I have to hope that it's coming to a head now because they are in serious danger of actually suffering mortal blows, finally. It won't be defeated anytime soon, but perhaps we're on the cusp of an important threshold, a point after which the toothpaste can't be put back in the tube. One can only hope.
And Christian Nationalism is merely the latest academic phrase for something that has existed for millennia across multiple countries and faiths and cultures: Using religion to control people.
This encoding permeates our entire society in ways even those who claim no religion don't realize. It absolutely undergirds toxic masculinity, but it is also reinforced in things like men being paid more than women for the same job or men being promoted when the woman has better experience or women always always always being held to a higher or different standard than men. Things that transcend party and are part of American culture at large. Our teachings about racism definitely came from this, even if no one attributes it to religion anymore.
I'm not going to change anything whatsoever about Americans or what we value by telling this or any story, but those who are unhappy with where we are must understand how deep it goes and do the work for as long as it takes to root it out of every aspect of our society. It will take a level of sustained attention and commitment that I fear few of us have.
I think religion, as opposed to faith or spirituality, upholds traditional power structures, which means patriarchy, so we're always going to find toxic masculinity there. But even if all religion disappeared from the planet tomorrow, we'd still have toxic masculinity, because patriarchy is a bigger problem than that, and religion is just one tool, I think. Perhaps it's one of the most powerful tools though, idk.
I don't know how we unlearn these deeply ingrained patterns or reach into every crack and crevice to root them out. We cannot force people to give up toxic masculinity or traditional power structures, for example. We can only call out the various delivery methods and try to prevent those from gaining traction or power. Those delivery methods revolve around the human need to be part of a group. So it means intense focus on anywhere we form groups. Which is almost everywhere.
I was reading about a forthcoming book by a man who infiltrated the KKK (another delivery method.) He said racism is deeply ingrained and learned over generations; and it is transported from places it was seeded to the greater world. That's why it's so hard to stop: We have to tackle the delivery methods. In the coming years, our elections will be about who controls these delivery methods.
I couldn't agree more. I fear with Republicans intentionally censoring conservations regarding racism, slavery, race, and LGBTQ+ Rights that they will somehow create a new generation of bigoted individuals who believe their lies, gaslighting, and fear mongering tactics for Republicans to ultimately maintain power in the future. I sense they are doing this because they know the U.S.' changing demographics are not on their side, and are using their base's hatred and opposition toward equality as justification to oppose progress and ensuring today's youth are tomorrow's leaders. Moreover, with America becoming a secular and less-religious society statistically, they appear to be desperate to create "a Christian-like America," knowing the far-right is fighting for that false myth (think America's supposed "Judeo-Christian values.")
I look at how much ground they've gained with a couple of years' of concentrated focus on Gen Z young men. Imagine what they could do with a kindergartener. Which we're covering tomorrow.
I partially blame Turning Point USA for that shift. I fully understand why men's top political concerns are illegal immigration and the economy versus women's top concerns being reproductive rights and LGBTQ+ rights, to some extent. I think various things need to change for Democrats to have long-term success immediately:
- The Democrats must adopt a long-term strategy akin to the Republicans if they are to secure electoral victories big-time in over 50% of states, preferably thirty or more states.
- They need better messaging and rebuild trust among the white working class.
- Prove the truth about the economic inequalities among poor people, the middle class, and the top one percent by highlighting how they vote against their economic interests because they are gaslighted, along with the Republican's economic voting record.
- Prioritize their concerns, fight relentlessly for them, and prove that cultural concerns and identity are an intentional distraction for politicians' and donors' personal, political, and economic gain.
I am not from a rural area; however, from visiting rural areas in the past, I sense their attitudes are different, and rural residents likely view Democrats as extreme on social issues and could care less about them and their problems.
Thank you Andra for sharing your story of what brought you to where you are. My own story is not nearly as dramatic or fraught but with similarities that led me toward being an avowed Non-Christian today. Knowing another’s story is so important to understanding who they are and the wisdom behind their words. You are very wise and knowledgeable and among my favorite sub-stackers.
I hope this story will give Americans greater insight into how to defeat the toxic male and female roles that all Abrahamic religions seem to encourage, that somehow seep beyond the walls of those faiths into our greater society and endanger everyone.
Andra, I’m not sure such a sweeping statement holds up, for Judaism at least. Sure, for a small radical minority, maybe. But the religions and histories are so different, even the idea of faith differs. For example, in mainstream liberal Judaism, faith in god is almost irrelevant. It’s more about being part of a historical community that has existed for thousands of years through the present. The most important tenet isn’t about God at all…it’s about repairing THIS world. And the actual “golden rule” is DONT do to your neighbor that which is abhorrent to you…meaning…don’t be an asshole. It’s much easier to understand how you don’t want to be treated, and easier to twist how you do. And while the Hebrew bible is horribly patriarchal, you’ll find that Ashkenazi Jewish manhood is defined very differently throughout history, and that being an oppressed minority engenders different power structures and behaviors. Not ALL, by any means, but it’s not a command and control operation. Israel is a different story for specific historical reasons and power dynamics. But what we call being a “mensch” which is a loving empathic generous person is highly prized. I’m so sorry that you had to live the trauma you did, But I’m here to stand up for mainstream American Judaism…because yes we have the ultra orthodox, but that’s very small and fringe. And our approach to “religion” and God is very different from Christianity.
As far as I know, all 3 faiths promote love and service and giving to others. Portions of all 3 twist it into something else, because that's what people do. Faith and religion (how many people practice their faith) aren't a problem; it's how people use them for power and control that is. Thank you for giving me greater insight into Judaism. Most of my experience with it is the Orthodox variety, but I did once support a friend who converted to Judaism at the more secular temple here in town. I spent enough time with her to understand why she didn't have to park her car around the corner and walk to temple like I saw everyone do in my neighborhood. (At the time, I lived behind the Orthodox temple.) But certainly not enough time to understand her chosen faith as a whole.
Andra, I appreciate you and your honesty. I look forward to reading your upcoming series. I liked how you put the notes on top of the book of Exodus 😉. Very fitting. Hugs to you dear one. 🥰
Wow. Thank you for sharing. Have you read “A Well Trained Wife” by Tia Leving? If not you should consider doing so. It’s a gripping memoir about one such escape, released earlier this month. Thanks again for being willing to be vulnerable.
This was part of the memoir I pitched last year. It was rejected by several acquisitions editors because "we have already committed to similar books, and yours might compete and dilute the market for this type of story." I'm sure Leving's book was one of them. So while I'm happy her story was deemed worthy and celebrate what its telling may do to help others, I don't think I'll read it. As a writer yourself, you know what it's like to watch others get to tell your story and have their experiences be deemed worthy of elevation and acclaim and notoriety while yours are deemed "not a good investment." I'm not angry or bitter or jealous, but I manage my reactions by avoiding situations like this one that could provoke those very human feelings.
I'm sorry you invested time on a proposal when it would have been impossible to know these yet-to-be-released comps were in the works. That sucks. I appreciate your reservation. VERY HUMAN FEELINGS, indeed!
The agent likely knew. I'm sure that's why he approached me for a proposal. I dragged my feet for months before submitting a proposal because I didn't want to write that book. I don't enjoy writing or talking about my trauma, especially now that I'm on the other side of therapy and realize how profound it was. I know how much one has to marinate in that pain to convey it well on the page.
In this space, I've been able to frame the story largely the way I wanted, which has meant leaving most of my trauma behind the curtain; not writing about people who hurt me; and still educating Americans about Christian Nationalism's threats to democracy and freedom.
I'm glad you were able to leave that mind-warped cult before they forced you to pop out babies for your CN husband and their warped church! It sounds like your ex had a major growth period to break that destructive cycle as well.
He wanted to start a family, but I kept saying I couldn't imagine bringing a child into our dynamic. I thought that would help him see that he needed to find different ways to deal with his anger and control issues, but no. I also knew I'd never get away from him if I had a baby. I became obsessive-compulsive about my birth control pills and always kept them with me. I was afraid he'd take them at some point. My current husband (he's my forever husband and soul mate, so I use "current" to distinguish from ex) even noticed my OCD birth control pill behavior when we got together. I was never able to stop being terrified of pregnancy and got sterilized in my early 40s.
Thank you for your desire to help others. As a child I was raised in a fundamentalist Baptist church that believed the SBC was full of liberals on the road to hell. I was fortunate in many ways to have intentionally run from that ideology in my late teens. I am in my late 70s so this was before the Christian Nationalist movement, but probably a forerunner. As a therapist, I have worked with women trying to escape some form of religious abuse. I also worked with women who were escaping abusive intimate relationships. The parallels are striking. I hope you have a strong support system, and although you do not need anything from us (your readers) I sincerely hope you can select anything useful that is offered and hold it close. Have you read the book “Women Who Run With the Wolves”?
Also I have not read that book, though I have been described that way by my reiki healer, my shaman healer, and others. Thank you for mentioning it. I will download it and read, as I’m sure there’s something there I need right now.
I had a wonderful strong and loving mother who managed to navigate being a member of that church with her role as a single parent. That, I think, was my salvation so to speak. I have been fortunate to find other sister-mothers as Angelo called them. They have guided me when I felt lost, supported me when I felt weak, and reflected my true self when I lost sight of who I am. I wish women like that for every woman.
The church you were reared in sounds similar to the one I describe. Where the SBC was “too liberal.”
I am always grateful for anything anyone offers me, but I cannot expect it. I also had a narcissist mom and was taught extremely codependent dynamics, though it took therapy to recognize much of that programming. So stating that I don’t need anything is a reminder to myself. And a gauge of my motivations for being vulnerable. I’m grateful for whatever people offer, and I always hold it close. But I am also ok if no one offers anything. I know how to give myself what I need. And I have several people who support me when things feel too heavy, though thankfully it doesn’t happen much anymore.
Horrible. If one is honest, how are these precepts and conditions that different from the Taliban, or any other fundamentalist cult. And that’s what they are, cults. These behaviors can also been seen in the ultra orthodox Jewish community. It’s not about faith…it’s about control.
I told someone else here that I think Abrahamic religions breed this kind of control. All of them teach loving precepts and can be transformative when practiced that way. But they also lend themselves to this kind of twisted control structure.
I'm so so glad you escaped. I just read Tia Leving's book " A Well Trained Wife" and she describes her experience which sounds almost identical to yours. Even though I experienced high control religion in an indirect way the stories of religious trauma and abuse trigger me so much. Lately I've been sounding the alarm about Project2025 on social media and warning that our country could end up like Iran. I get told I am crazy and brainwashed by the the media. I appreciate you sharing what you lived through and I understand how difficult it must be.
I think the world would be a better place without all Abrahamic religions, because they seem to breed extreme versions that center on controlling people, especially women and children, and the greater community of those faiths don't do enough to push back against that extremism and radicalization.
I agree. Even the folks who do escape their control find it difficult to push back. You are one of the brave few.
It should go without saying: I admire you. Thank you, Andra! Looking forward. Be well :)
Thanks Megan.
How many men, CN or otherwise, possess the self-reflection traits necessary to honestly answer those very questions regarding their own wives?
Right? If one reads that list without the lens of domination and control, it isn't a bad list. I disagree with some points, but overall I'm not sure any portion of our society is teaching men how to be functional and fulfilled. I don't even know how it happens. My 2nd husband, the man I'm married to now, didn't grow up with good male role models either. His father was a selfish asshole. I don't know how he became the confident, giving man he is where so many others would mimic the examples that were set for them.
Andra, I can only imagine what you’ve gone through, especially since I come from a completely different culture and environment. I’m so glad you found your path to safety and independence. The importance of having a good therapist can’t be overstated! I absolutely appreciate your willingness and ability to open up about your past.
And I should've been in therapy decades ago. I went to a Christian counselor during the breakup of this marriage, but I needed major interventions. Of course, nobody recommended them. I didn't undergo formal therapy again until late 2022/early2023, after decades of mistakes I could've avoided. I mean, I learned from most of those mistakes, but it sometimes took me a while. People don't often give us hall passes when we take almost 6 decades to grow up.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is an act of bravery to share with such honesty.
Thanks for being here and supporting this work.
Thank you for sharing, Andra.You have such courage and strength. As a former DV Victim Advocate, I can tell you there were many abusive,”godly” men in my community.
My shares for the day on P2025 in Florida:
https://www.orlandosentinel.com/2024/08/26/mormon-church-seeks-to-annex-52450-acres-of-ranchland-to-orlando/?share=oocm5s2arc0aoeolnair
As Trump tries to run away from his alliance with P2025/Heritage, this excellent investigative reporting directly ties Florida GOP and indirectly other GOP-controlled state legislatures. “From bathrooms to banking, records show the architects of Project 2025 worked closely with Ron DeSantis and Florida Republican leaders to turn some far-right ideas into new state laws.”
https://open.substack.com/pub/jasongarcia/p/the-think-tank-behind-project-2025?r=fqsxl&utm_medium=ios
I too hope no one judges me for what I did decades ago…
When we compiled the big spreadsheet on P2025 contributors, DeSantis was mentioned multiple times. He made most of those connections while he was in Congress. So I'm not surprised he took those tools back to Florida, where he (and I suspect Republicans) wanted an easy place to "try them on."
From your own experience working with victims, you know how many of them blame themselves for the abuse. This kind of religious indoctrination supercharges self-blame, and I think it lingers for generations and pollutes relationships, even after ancestors we didn't even know left those religions behind but somehow carried those behaviors onward.
As you know, leaving is not easy and the most dangerous time.And as I recall,the research showed it was usually seven times before DV victims would stay away for good.
Andra, you saved your life…and most likely that of your former spouse.
I admire your courage.
Thanks.
🫂 I love you so much. 💝
Thank you for being here and for supporting and sharing my work.
🫶
What strength and courage you showed leaving you first marriage. You were so young. The deep trauma you went through with really no one to turn to for help. And you continue having the strength and courageousness by sharing this with us. So many do not understand the shame that is thrust on women in Christian Nationalism. And it always seems to be the woman’s fault. It is not a stretch to see hoe don-old and Project 2025 promoters are getting more emboldened.
Thanks so much for your honesty, Andra. Big hugs.
"It always seems to be the woman's fault." So true. Thanks for being here, Monica.
'Jumped the fence' is what stood out to me. Republicans aren't all Christian Nationalists, not by a long shot, but they've all embraced or at least accepted toxic forms of masculinity as part of their world view. Because if they hadn't, they wouldn't be able to stay Republicans (and many have left). It's a chicken and egg story between Christian Nationalists and conservatives, because these are attitudes that have persisted for millennia. I have to hope that it's coming to a head now because they are in serious danger of actually suffering mortal blows, finally. It won't be defeated anytime soon, but perhaps we're on the cusp of an important threshold, a point after which the toothpaste can't be put back in the tube. One can only hope.
I used that phrase deliberately.
And Christian Nationalism is merely the latest academic phrase for something that has existed for millennia across multiple countries and faiths and cultures: Using religion to control people.
This encoding permeates our entire society in ways even those who claim no religion don't realize. It absolutely undergirds toxic masculinity, but it is also reinforced in things like men being paid more than women for the same job or men being promoted when the woman has better experience or women always always always being held to a higher or different standard than men. Things that transcend party and are part of American culture at large. Our teachings about racism definitely came from this, even if no one attributes it to religion anymore.
I'm not going to change anything whatsoever about Americans or what we value by telling this or any story, but those who are unhappy with where we are must understand how deep it goes and do the work for as long as it takes to root it out of every aspect of our society. It will take a level of sustained attention and commitment that I fear few of us have.
I think religion, as opposed to faith or spirituality, upholds traditional power structures, which means patriarchy, so we're always going to find toxic masculinity there. But even if all religion disappeared from the planet tomorrow, we'd still have toxic masculinity, because patriarchy is a bigger problem than that, and religion is just one tool, I think. Perhaps it's one of the most powerful tools though, idk.
I don't know how we unlearn these deeply ingrained patterns or reach into every crack and crevice to root them out. We cannot force people to give up toxic masculinity or traditional power structures, for example. We can only call out the various delivery methods and try to prevent those from gaining traction or power. Those delivery methods revolve around the human need to be part of a group. So it means intense focus on anywhere we form groups. Which is almost everywhere.
I was reading about a forthcoming book by a man who infiltrated the KKK (another delivery method.) He said racism is deeply ingrained and learned over generations; and it is transported from places it was seeded to the greater world. That's why it's so hard to stop: We have to tackle the delivery methods. In the coming years, our elections will be about who controls these delivery methods.
I couldn't agree more. I fear with Republicans intentionally censoring conservations regarding racism, slavery, race, and LGBTQ+ Rights that they will somehow create a new generation of bigoted individuals who believe their lies, gaslighting, and fear mongering tactics for Republicans to ultimately maintain power in the future. I sense they are doing this because they know the U.S.' changing demographics are not on their side, and are using their base's hatred and opposition toward equality as justification to oppose progress and ensuring today's youth are tomorrow's leaders. Moreover, with America becoming a secular and less-religious society statistically, they appear to be desperate to create "a Christian-like America," knowing the far-right is fighting for that false myth (think America's supposed "Judeo-Christian values.")
I look at how much ground they've gained with a couple of years' of concentrated focus on Gen Z young men. Imagine what they could do with a kindergartener. Which we're covering tomorrow.
I partially blame Turning Point USA for that shift. I fully understand why men's top political concerns are illegal immigration and the economy versus women's top concerns being reproductive rights and LGBTQ+ rights, to some extent. I think various things need to change for Democrats to have long-term success immediately:
- The Democrats must adopt a long-term strategy akin to the Republicans if they are to secure electoral victories big-time in over 50% of states, preferably thirty or more states.
- They need better messaging and rebuild trust among the white working class.
- Prove the truth about the economic inequalities among poor people, the middle class, and the top one percent by highlighting how they vote against their economic interests because they are gaslighted, along with the Republican's economic voting record.
- Prioritize their concerns, fight relentlessly for them, and prove that cultural concerns and identity are an intentional distraction for politicians' and donors' personal, political, and economic gain.
I am not from a rural area; however, from visiting rural areas in the past, I sense their attitudes are different, and rural residents likely view Democrats as extreme on social issues and could care less about them and their problems.
Thank you Andra for sharing your story of what brought you to where you are. My own story is not nearly as dramatic or fraught but with similarities that led me toward being an avowed Non-Christian today. Knowing another’s story is so important to understanding who they are and the wisdom behind their words. You are very wise and knowledgeable and among my favorite sub-stackers.
I hope this story will give Americans greater insight into how to defeat the toxic male and female roles that all Abrahamic religions seem to encourage, that somehow seep beyond the walls of those faiths into our greater society and endanger everyone.
Andra, I’m not sure such a sweeping statement holds up, for Judaism at least. Sure, for a small radical minority, maybe. But the religions and histories are so different, even the idea of faith differs. For example, in mainstream liberal Judaism, faith in god is almost irrelevant. It’s more about being part of a historical community that has existed for thousands of years through the present. The most important tenet isn’t about God at all…it’s about repairing THIS world. And the actual “golden rule” is DONT do to your neighbor that which is abhorrent to you…meaning…don’t be an asshole. It’s much easier to understand how you don’t want to be treated, and easier to twist how you do. And while the Hebrew bible is horribly patriarchal, you’ll find that Ashkenazi Jewish manhood is defined very differently throughout history, and that being an oppressed minority engenders different power structures and behaviors. Not ALL, by any means, but it’s not a command and control operation. Israel is a different story for specific historical reasons and power dynamics. But what we call being a “mensch” which is a loving empathic generous person is highly prized. I’m so sorry that you had to live the trauma you did, But I’m here to stand up for mainstream American Judaism…because yes we have the ultra orthodox, but that’s very small and fringe. And our approach to “religion” and God is very different from Christianity.
As far as I know, all 3 faiths promote love and service and giving to others. Portions of all 3 twist it into something else, because that's what people do. Faith and religion (how many people practice their faith) aren't a problem; it's how people use them for power and control that is. Thank you for giving me greater insight into Judaism. Most of my experience with it is the Orthodox variety, but I did once support a friend who converted to Judaism at the more secular temple here in town. I spent enough time with her to understand why she didn't have to park her car around the corner and walk to temple like I saw everyone do in my neighborhood. (At the time, I lived behind the Orthodox temple.) But certainly not enough time to understand her chosen faith as a whole.
Andra, I appreciate you and your honesty. I look forward to reading your upcoming series. I liked how you put the notes on top of the book of Exodus 😉. Very fitting. Hugs to you dear one. 🥰
I didn't think about that as a metaphor. It was where the list was in my Bible when I opened it. But it's fitting.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. Have you read “A Well Trained Wife” by Tia Leving? If not you should consider doing so. It’s a gripping memoir about one such escape, released earlier this month. Thanks again for being willing to be vulnerable.
This was part of the memoir I pitched last year. It was rejected by several acquisitions editors because "we have already committed to similar books, and yours might compete and dilute the market for this type of story." I'm sure Leving's book was one of them. So while I'm happy her story was deemed worthy and celebrate what its telling may do to help others, I don't think I'll read it. As a writer yourself, you know what it's like to watch others get to tell your story and have their experiences be deemed worthy of elevation and acclaim and notoriety while yours are deemed "not a good investment." I'm not angry or bitter or jealous, but I manage my reactions by avoiding situations like this one that could provoke those very human feelings.
I'm sorry you invested time on a proposal when it would have been impossible to know these yet-to-be-released comps were in the works. That sucks. I appreciate your reservation. VERY HUMAN FEELINGS, indeed!
The agent likely knew. I'm sure that's why he approached me for a proposal. I dragged my feet for months before submitting a proposal because I didn't want to write that book. I don't enjoy writing or talking about my trauma, especially now that I'm on the other side of therapy and realize how profound it was. I know how much one has to marinate in that pain to convey it well on the page.
In this space, I've been able to frame the story largely the way I wanted, which has meant leaving most of my trauma behind the curtain; not writing about people who hurt me; and still educating Americans about Christian Nationalism's threats to democracy and freedom.
I'm glad you were able to leave that mind-warped cult before they forced you to pop out babies for your CN husband and their warped church! It sounds like your ex had a major growth period to break that destructive cycle as well.
He wanted to start a family, but I kept saying I couldn't imagine bringing a child into our dynamic. I thought that would help him see that he needed to find different ways to deal with his anger and control issues, but no. I also knew I'd never get away from him if I had a baby. I became obsessive-compulsive about my birth control pills and always kept them with me. I was afraid he'd take them at some point. My current husband (he's my forever husband and soul mate, so I use "current" to distinguish from ex) even noticed my OCD birth control pill behavior when we got together. I was never able to stop being terrified of pregnancy and got sterilized in my early 40s.
Thank you for your desire to help others. As a child I was raised in a fundamentalist Baptist church that believed the SBC was full of liberals on the road to hell. I was fortunate in many ways to have intentionally run from that ideology in my late teens. I am in my late 70s so this was before the Christian Nationalist movement, but probably a forerunner. As a therapist, I have worked with women trying to escape some form of religious abuse. I also worked with women who were escaping abusive intimate relationships. The parallels are striking. I hope you have a strong support system, and although you do not need anything from us (your readers) I sincerely hope you can select anything useful that is offered and hold it close. Have you read the book “Women Who Run With the Wolves”?
Also I have not read that book, though I have been described that way by my reiki healer, my shaman healer, and others. Thank you for mentioning it. I will download it and read, as I’m sure there’s something there I need right now.
I had a wonderful strong and loving mother who managed to navigate being a member of that church with her role as a single parent. That, I think, was my salvation so to speak. I have been fortunate to find other sister-mothers as Angelo called them. They have guided me when I felt lost, supported me when I felt weak, and reflected my true self when I lost sight of who I am. I wish women like that for every woman.
The church you were reared in sounds similar to the one I describe. Where the SBC was “too liberal.”
I am always grateful for anything anyone offers me, but I cannot expect it. I also had a narcissist mom and was taught extremely codependent dynamics, though it took therapy to recognize much of that programming. So stating that I don’t need anything is a reminder to myself. And a gauge of my motivations for being vulnerable. I’m grateful for whatever people offer, and I always hold it close. But I am also ok if no one offers anything. I know how to give myself what I need. And I have several people who support me when things feel too heavy, though thankfully it doesn’t happen much anymore.